The Keith Laumer MEGAPACK® Read online

  “A space lawyer.” The captain turned. “Throw him out, boys.”

  Two big men edged into the cabin, looking at Retief.

  “Go on, pitch him out,” the captain snapped.

  Retief put his cigar in an ashtray, and swung his feet off the bunk.

  “Don’t try it,” he said softly.

  One of the two wiped his nose on a sleeve, spat on his right palm, and stepped forward, then hesitated.

  “Hey,” he said. “This the guy tossed the trunk off the wall?”

  “That’s him,” the thick-necked man called. “Spilled Mr. Tony’s possessions right on the deck.”

  “Deal me out,” the bouncer said. “He can stay put as long as he wants to. I signed on to move cargo. Let’s go, Moe.”

  “You’d better be getting back to the bridge, Captain,” Retief said. “We’re due to lift in twenty minutes.”

  The thick-necked man and the Captain both shouted at once. The Captain’s voice prevailed.

  “—twenty minutes…uniform Code…gonna do?”

  “Close the door as you leave,” Retief said.

  The thick-necked man paused at the door. “We’ll see you when you come out.”

  III

  Four waiters passed Retief’s table without stopping. A fifth leaned against the wall nearby, a menu under his arm.

  At a table across the room, the Captain, now wearing a dress uniform and with his thin red hair neatly parted, sat with a table of male passengers. He talked loudly and laughed frequently, casting occasional glances Retief’s way.

  A panel opened in the wall behind Retief’s chair. Bright blue eyes peered out from under a white chef’s cap.

  “Givin’ you the cold shoulder, heh, Mister?”

  “Looks like it, old-timer,” Retief said. “Maybe I’d better go join the skipper. His party seems to be having all the fun.”

  “Feller has to be mighty careless who he eats with to set over there.”

  “I see your point.”

  “You set right where you’re at, Mister. I’ll rustle you up a plate.”

  Five minutes later, Retief cut into a thirty-two ounce Delmonico backed up with mushrooms and garlic butter.

  “I’m Chip,” the chef said. “I don’t like the Cap’n. You can tell him I said so. Don’t like his friends, either. Don’t like them dern Sweaties, look at a man like he was a worm.”

  “You’ve got the right idea on frying a steak, Chip. And you’ve got the right idea on the Soetti, too,” Retief said. He poured red wine into a glass. “Here’s to you.”

  “Dern right,” Chip said. “Dunno who ever thought up broiling ’em. Steaks, that is. I got a Baked Alaska coming up in here for dessert. You like brandy in yer coffee?”

  “Chip, you’re a genius.”

  “Like to see a feller eat,” Chip said. “I gotta go now. If you need anything, holler.”

  Retief ate slowly. Time always dragged on shipboard. Four days to Jorgensen’s Worlds. Then, if Magnan’s information was correct, there would be four days to prepare for the Soetti attack. It was a temptation to scan the tapes built into the handle of his suitcase. It would be good to know what Jorgensen’s Worlds would be up against.

  Retief finished the steak, and the chef passed out the baked Alaska and coffee. Most of the other passengers had left the dining room. Mr. Tony and his retainers still sat at the Captain’s table.

  As Retief watched, four men arose from the table and sauntered across the room. The first in line, a stony-faced thug with a broken ear, took a cigar from his mouth as he reached the table. He dipped the lighted end in Retief’s coffee, looked at it, and dropped it on the tablecloth.

  The others came up, Mr. Tony trailing.

  “You must want to get to Jorgensen’s pretty bad,” the thug said in a grating voice. “What’s your game, hick?”

  Retief looked at the coffee cup, picked it up.

  “I don’t think I want my coffee,” he said. He looked at the thug. “You drink it.”

  The thug squinted at Retief. “A wise hick,” he began.

  With a flick of the wrist, Retief tossed the coffee into the thug’s face, then stood and slammed a straight right to the chin. The thug went down.

  Retief looked at Mr. Tony, still standing open-mouthed.

  “You can take your playmates away now, Tony,” he said. “And don’t bother to come around yourself. You’re not funny enough.”

  Mr. Tony found his voice.

  “Take him, Marbles!” he growled.

  The thick-necked man slipped a hand inside his tunic and brought out a long-bladed knife. He licked his lips and moved in.

  Retief heard the panel open beside him.

  “Here you go, Mister,” Chip said. Retief darted a glance; a well-honed french knife lay on the sill.

  “Thanks, Chip,” Retief said. “I won’t need it for these punks.”

  Thick-neck lunged and Retief hit him square in the face, knocking him under the table. The other man stepped back, fumbling a power pistol from his shoulder holster.

  “Aim that at me, and I’ll kill you,” Retief said.

  “Go on, burn him!” Mr. Tony shouted. Behind him, the captain appeared, white-faced.

  “Put that away, you!” he yelled. “What kind of—”

  “Shut up,” Mr. Tony said. “Put it away, Hoany. We’ll fix this bum later.”

  “Not on this vessel, you won’t,” the captain said shakily. “I got my charter to consider.”

  “Ram your charter,” Hoany said harshly. “You won’t be needing it long.”

  “Button your floppy mouth, damn you!” Mr. Tony snapped. He looked at the man on the floor. “Get Marbles out of here. I ought to dump the slob.”

  He turned and walked away. The captain signaled and two waiters came up. Retief watched as they carted the casualty from the dining room.

  The panel opened.

  “I usta be about your size, when I was your age,” Chip said. “You handled them pansies right. I wouldn’t give ’em the time o’ day.”

  “How about a fresh cup of coffee, Chip?” Retief said.

  “Sure, Mister. Anything else?”

  “I’ll think of something,” Retief said. “This is shaping up into one of those long days.”

  * * * *

  “They don’t like me bringing yer meals to you in yer cabin,” Chip said. “But the cap’n knows I’m the best cook in the Merchant Service. They won’t mess with me.”

  “What has Mr. Tony got on the captain, Chip?” Retief asked.

  “They’re in some kind o’ crooked business together. You want some more smoked turkey?”

  “Sure. What have they got against my going to Jorgensen’s Worlds?”

  “Dunno. Hasn’t been no tourists got in there fer six or eight months. I sure like a feller that can put it away. I was a big eater when I was yer age.”

  “I’ll bet you can still handle it, Old Timer. What are Jorgensen’s Worlds like?”

  “One of ’em.s cold as hell and three of ’em.s colder. Most o’ the Jorgies live on Svea; that’s the least froze up. Man don’t enjoy eatin’ his own cookin’ like he does somebody else’s.”

  “That’s where I’m lucky, Chip. What kind of cargo’s the captain got aboard for Jorgensen’s?”

  “Derned if I know. In and out o’ there like a grasshopper, ever few weeks. Don’t never pick up no cargo. No tourists any more, like I says. Don’t know what we even run in there for.”

  “Where are the passengers we have aboard headed?”

  “To Alabaster. That’s nine days’ run in-sector from Jorgensen’s. You ain’t got another one of them cigars, have you?”

  “Have one, Chip. I guess I was lucky to get space on this ship.”

  “Plenty o’ space, Mister. We got a dozen empty cabins.” Chip puffed the cigar alight, then cleared away the dishes, poured out coffee and brandy.

  “Them Sweaties is what I don’t like,” he said.

  Retief looked at him ques
tioningly.

  “You never seen a Sweaty? Ugly lookin’ devils. Skinny legs, like a lobster; big chest, shaped like the top of a turnip; rubbery lookin’ head. You can see the pulse beatin’ when they get riled.”

  “I’ve never had the pleasure,” Retief said.

  “You prob’ly have it perty soon. Them devils board us nigh ever trip out. Act like they was the Customs Patrol or somethin’.”

  There was a distant clang, and a faint tremor ran through the floor.

  “I ain’t superstitious ner nothin’,” Chip said. “But I’ll be triple-damned if that ain’t them boarding us now.”

  Ten minutes passed before bootsteps sounded outside the door, accompanied by a clicking patter. The doorknob rattled, then a heavy knock shook the door.

  “They got to look you over,” Chip whispered. “Nosy damn Sweaties.”

  “Unlock it, Chip.” The chef opened the door.

  “Come in, damn you,” he said.

  A tall and grotesque creature minced into the room, tiny hoof-like feet tapping on the floor. A flaring metal helmet shaded the deep-set compound eyes, and a loose mantle flapped around the knobbed knees. Behind the alien, the captain hovered nervously.

  “Yo’ papiss,” the alien rasped.

  “Who’s your friend, Captain?” Retief said.

  “Never mind; just do like he tells you.”

  “Yo’ papiss,” the alien said again.

  “Okay,” Retief said. “I’ve seen it. You can take it away now.”

  “Don’t horse around,” the captain said. “This fellow can get mean.”

  The alien brought two tiny arms out from the concealment of the mantle, clicked toothed pincers under Retief’s nose.

  “Quick, soft one.”

  “Captain, tell your friend to keep its distance. It looks brittle, and I’m tempted to test it.”

  “Don’t start anything with Skaw; he can clip through steel with those snappers.”

  “Last chance,” Retief said. Skaw stood poised, open pincers an inch from Retief’s eyes.

  “Show him your papers, you damned fool,” the captain said hoarsely. “I got no control over Skaw.”

  * * * *

  The alien clicked both pincers with a sharp report, and in the same instant Retief half-turned to the left, leaned away from the alien and drove his right foot against the slender leg above the bulbous knee-joint. Skaw screeched and floundered, greenish fluid spattering from the burst joint.

  “I told you he was brittle,” Retief said. “Next time you invite pirates aboard, don’t bother to call.”

  “Jesus, what did you do! They’ll kill us!” the captain gasped, staring at the figure flopping on the floor.

  “Cart poor old Skaw back to his boat,” Retief said. “Tell him to pass the word. No more illegal entry and search of Terrestrial vessels in Terrestrial space.”

  “Hey,” Chip said. “He’s quit kicking.”

  The captain bent over Skaw, gingerly rolled him over. He leaned close and sniffed.

  “He’s dead.” The captain stared at Retief. “We’re all dead men,” he said. “These Soetti got no mercy.”

  “They won’t need it. Tell ’em to sheer off; their fun is over.”

  “They got no more emotions than a blue crab—”

  “You bluff easily, Captain. Show a few guns as you hand the body back. We know their secret now.”

  “What secret? I—”

  “Don’t be no dumber than you got to, Cap’n,” Chip said. “Sweaties die easy; that’s the secret.”

  “Maybe you got a point,” the captain said, looking at Retief. “All they got’s a three-man scout. It could work.”

  He went out, came back with two crewmen. They hauled the dead alien gingerly into the hall.

  “Maybe I can run a bluff on the Soetti,” the captain said, looking back from the door. “But I’ll be back to see you later.”

  “You don’t scare us, Cap’n,” Chip said. “Him and Mr. Tony and all his goons. You hit ’em where they live, that time. They’re pals o’ these Sweaties. Runnin’ some kind o’ crooked racket.”

  “You’d better take the captain’s advice, Chip. There’s no point in your getting involved in my problems.”

  “They’d of killed you before now, Mister, if they had any guts. That’s where we got it over these monkeys. They got no guts.”

  “They act scared, Chip. Scared men are killers.”

  “They don’t scare me none.” Chip picked up the tray. “I’ll scout around a little and see what’s goin’ on. If the Sweaties figure to do anything about that Skaw feller they’ll have to move fast; they won’t try nothin’ close to port.”

  “Don’t worry, Chip. I have reason to be pretty sure they won’t do anything to attract a lot of attention in this sector just now.”

  Chip looked at Retief. “You ain’t no tourist, Mister. I know that much. You didn’t come out here for fun, did you?”

  “That,” Retief said, “would be a hard one to answer.”

  IV

  Retief awoke at a tap on his door.

  “It’s me, Mister. Chip.”

  “Come on in.”

  The chef entered the room, locking the door.

  “You shoulda had that door locked.” He stood by the door, listening, then turned to Retief.

  “You want to get to Jorgensen’s perty bad, don’t you, Mister?”

  “That’s right, Chip.”

  “Mr. Tony give the captain a real hard time about old Skaw. The Sweaties didn’t say nothin’. Didn’t even act surprised, just took the remains and pushed off. But Mr. Tony and that other crook they call Marbles, they was fit to be tied. Took the cap’n in his cabin and talked loud at him fer half a hour. Then the cap’n come out and give some orders to the Mate.”

  Retief sat up and reached for a cigar.

  “Mr. Tony and Skaw were pals, eh?”

  “He hated Skaw’s guts. But with him it was business. Mister, you got a gun?”

  “A 2mm needler. Why?”

  “The orders cap’n give was to change course fer Alabaster. We’re by-passin’ Jorgensen’s Worlds. We’ll feel the course change any minute.”

  Retief lit the cigar, reached under the mattress and took out a short-barreled pistol. He dropped it in his pocket, looked at Chip.

  “Maybe it was a good thought, at that. Which way to the Captain’s cabin?”

  * * * *

  “This is it,” Chip said softly. “You want me to keep an eye on who comes down the passage?”

  Retief nodded, opened the door and stepped into the cabin. The captain looked up from his desk, then jumped up.

  “What do you think you’re doing, busting in here?”

  “I hear you’re planning a course change, Captain.”

  “You’ve got damn big ears.”

  “I think we’d better call in at Jorgensen’s.”

  “You do, huh?” the captain sat down. “I’m in command of this vessel,” he said. “I’m changing course for Alabaster.”

  “I wouldn’t find it convenient to go to Alabaster,” Retief said. “So just hold your course for Jorgensen’s.”

  “Not bloody likely.”

  “Your use of the word ‘bloody’ is interesting, Captain. Don’t try to change course.”

  The captain reached for the mike on his desk, pressed the key.

  “Power Section, this is the captain,” he said. Retief reached across the desk, gripped the captain’s wrist.

  “Tell the mate to hold his present course,” he said softly.

  “Let go my hand, buster,” the captain snarled. Eyes on Retief’s, he eased a drawer open with his left hand, reached in. Retief kneed the drawer. The captain yelped and dropped the mike.

  “You busted it, you—”

  “And one to go,” Retief said. “Tell him.”

  “I’m an officer of the Merchant Service!”

  “You’re a cheapjack who’s sold his bridge to a pack of back-alley hoods.”
<
br />   “You can’t put it over, hick.”

  “Tell him.”

  The captain groaned and picked up the mike. “Captain to Power Section,” he said. “Hold your present course until you hear from me.” He dropped the mike and looked up at Retief.

  “It’s eighteen hours yet before we pick up Jorgensen Control. You going to sit here and bend my arm the whole time?”

  Retief released the captain’s wrist and turned to the door.

  “Chip, I’m locking the door. You circulate around, let me know what’s going on. Bring me a pot of coffee every so often. I’m sitting up with a sick friend.”

  “Right, Mister. Keep an eye on that jasper; he’s slippery.”

  “What are you going to do?” the captain demanded.

  Retief settled himself in a chair.

  “Instead of strangling you, as you deserve,” he said, “I’m going to stay here and help you hold your course for Jorgensen’s Worlds.”

  The captain looked at Retief. He laughed, a short bark.

  “Then I’ll just stretch out and have a little nap, farmer. If you feel like dozing off sometime during the next eighteen hours, don’t mind me.”

  Retief took out the needler and put it on the desk before him.

  “If anything happens that I don’t like,” he said, “I’ll wake you up. With this.”

  * * * *

  “Why don’t you let me spell you, Mister?” Chip said. “Four hours to go yet. You’re gonna hafta be on yer toes to handle the landing.”

  “I’ll be all right, Chip. You get some sleep.”

  “Nope. Many’s the time I stood four, five watches runnin’, back when I was yer age. I’ll make another round.”

  Retief stood up, stretched his legs, paced the floor, stared at the repeater instruments on the wall. Things had gone quietly so far, but the landing would be another matter. The captain’s absence from the bridge during the highly complex maneuvering would be difficult to explain….

  The desk speaker crackled.

  “Captain, Officer of the Watch here. Ain’t it about time you was getting up here with the orbit figures?”

  Retief nudged the captain. He awoke with a start, sat up.

  “Whazzat?” He looked wild-eyed at Retief.